She warned me when we met. I saw the missing pieces, but that never stopped me.
The broken pieces, the cracks in the heart never slowed my desires.
Broken and lost, flying blind without a plan. Never listening to reason, never loving within reason.
Who knew she’d teach to see. Who knew I was the broken one.
I read something the other day about fearing less to love more. This morning I woke up thinking of those words. Being stuck at home these past few days have been a struggle, both mentally and physically. It was the isolation really. The lacked of escape can be torture at first, especially if you are used to a million distractions to ease your mind. The thoughts come and there is no where to run. Its funny what happens when you are forced to deal with your thoughts. The mind wanders at first, like a wild stallion afraid of the saddle, it bucks and writhes in useless attempts to stay wild. After a while like all things wild it’s relentlessness retreats and all outward energies are focused inward. So inward I dove giving into the changing tides of thoughts. Time and time again I came to one thought. It’s an everlasting truth I lament, evolution and change. We fight to be in one place at one time, but this fight is a constant evolution and the same day never repeats twice. The best we can do is be true to this consistent change and listen to the direction of the tide. Today I am grateful for this truth and for all things that let me see this light. This post will definitely be continued.
We are all slaves in the light of day.
Slaves to our memories and fears.
Shining through the night, shining for the fight.
Suns rise and set with out fear and so shall we.
Shadows hide hidden truths of fears and shadows. Step forward and bring the fight into the light.
Somedays you just know aren’t going to end right, but this day wasn’t one of those days. It started no different than a thousands of other days. Breakfast, work, and then a happy hour. She set up the happy for the birthday of a co-worker. Being at one of our favorite local watering holes and this being an opportunity to see her I knew wild horses couldn’t keep me away. I was laser focused on my tasks for the day to be sure nothing delayed me from today’s birthday celebration. It’s amazing what a man can accomplish with the right motivation (that motivation almost always being a women). My team was in the middle of a project and as always there were a long list of unforeseen tasks that came up, but nothing was going to keep me from her today. I handled each task the way a medieval knight slayed dragons. Before I knew it it was 5 pm. I quickly and silently undocked my laptop and packed up for the day so not to alert my team of my on time departure. It never failed anytime I wanted to leave early someone would have an urgent request or my team’s lead would need to have a conversation with me, but not today. I stepped away from my desk with the skillful stealth of a ninja. I even took the back stair case to avoid any possible obstacle. Finally I was at my car, I quickly threw my bag in the car and drove to the bar. I saw her car as I drove in the parking lot and quickly parked in an adjacent park spot. Seconds after walking in an unconscious reflex led my eyes to her. Walking up I made sure she was the last person I greeted to be sure I wasn’t obvious in my reason for being there. (in progress will be back later tonight to finish)
J,
I know I should be staying away and not reaching out to you. It’s what you want, but it’s so hard for me to pretend I do not feel your heart beat when I close my eyes. Really I doubt you are still reading my blog. Having you in my life awakens so much in me and now awakened these parts of me refuse to sleep. Believe me I have contemplated your words, your thoughts and your emotions. I agree my love for you, the inspiration that follows your every word, and our relationship is not normal. It’s so beyond what most people see as normal and it’s beyond what they can understand. Honestly who wants normal? We have one life. There has always been something extraordinary about our connection, please don’t turn your back on the gifts we bring each other. From day one I know I have jumped in head first and relentlessly chased this desire to love you. I have been compulsive in my actions and words. I basically attacked you with my love. Time and time again I bury you in an avalanche of my admiration. There so much beauty and pain in your existence I swear my heart breaks a little each time I lay eyes on you. Unfortunately this is where I have gone wrong, I forget about myself as I got lost in those eyes. I lose control and overwhelm your heart. This time away from each other has helped me clear my head. I see you in better light and I’m back on center. I know I don’t want to lose this connection we had. Just like I knew your beauty was destined to bring me heart ache I also know this love we share is a miracle that will not repeat in this lifetime. Let me ask you to forget the eyes of others and all the assumptions the world wants you to believe. Forget all of this and let your heart tell you who I am. I know who you are to me. I just feel sometimes you are not completely honest with yourself about things. If I’m crazy please tell me. If you want me to believe it was all dreams of a madman I will. Just open your heart and connect these dots and tell me what you see. Please don’t over think any of these words, Inside me there is still your best friend, your soul mate. Don’t give up on me I still have so much to share with you, and there is so many great things we can accomplish together.
Extraordinarily Yours,
J
Life after death is the path you set me on. Take a breath before you die and I’ll see you on the other side.
Open you eyes, close your eyes its all the same. You can learn to see in the dark. Your words, actions and thoughts show me the way.
My thoughts, your thoughts, are all the same. In the light of day you will see.
If I’m sleep walking don’t wake me.
It breaks my hear knowing tomorrow I will still love you. It kills me knowing as I close my eyes knowing these desires will fill my mind with the sun rise. My first breath will bring me back to this endless point in time.
Tell me why? What is it driving me beyond reason? Why would I deny my own name for one kiss. I want to walk away but how do you walk away from your own heart. I pray for insanity to end this misery. I can’t look away and I know can’t either.
These are my endless points in time. These are my needless desires. This is me loving you with no end. Why can’t I be blind to your perfection?
Jadie,
I am going to be honest and real, more than I have ever been. You text messages the other day, the words you shared hurt. The more I replay your words in my head the more it hurts, but I know it’s necessary to try end this foolish desire to love you. My heart literally skips a beat everytime I see you, I’ve fallen in love with you a thousand times since we met, the second my eyes open each day you are always my first thought, and I know that is so far from your reality. I know I’m just a friend. Every time you say that word to refer to me I can hear the extra emphasis you put on the word. The word “friend” or “buddy”, it stabs me in the heart a little each time I hear it, but I know you are trying let me know you don’t see me as anything else but a friend. The words I continue to repeat to myself are “not normal”, “uncomfortable”, and “move on.” I take them deep inside and repeat so I don’t forget. It’s just natural to want to show my affections, to do things for you, to want to make your life easier in everyway than I can. Believe me to achieve that there is nothing I can’t do or overcome, but it makes you uncomfortable. It makes you fear me. My questions is why? Your answer “does it matter, that’s how I feel” in someways this answer is not good enough. Do I not matter enough for you to answer? Do the things I say to you, the way I treat you exceed your capacity to be loved? I’m just trying to love you and asking for nothing in return. Have I ever asked for you to give me chance? Have asked for more than you are willing to give? All I ever really asked for was your time, an occasional opportunity to buy dinner, a few drinks. A chance to talk, hear your thoughts and maybe make you laugh. I know parts of you have been hurt, damaged, and broken from your childhood. You survived a lot. You’re strong enough to survive these things, but at the same time you’ve developed a selfishness by knowing you can survive. I have always sensed it, and I tollerated it because I care deeply about you. It’s what I do when I love someone, I try to protect the person from themselves. Maybe you see this as weakness. Regardless I know I shouldn’t do that anymore. Sometimes when you love someone there are times you sacrafice your own emotions to see them happy. You don’t love me this way, and I understand this now. I just want you to understand this about yourself. Yes you are selfish sometimes. Yes you are crazy and neurotic sometimes. Believe you are completely selfless and perfectly loving in so many other ways, and you know I love you like no one else. I just want you know that this broken part of you can be selfish and cruel sometimes. I hesistate to use the word broken because when I use that word I feel it should be used for something beyond repair, and I know this is not you. I also know there are alot of insecurites inside you that make you do these things, it’s a survival instinct, and it’s you trying to protect yourself from being hurt. I am sure you know I filter myself around you too. I do see you, and not just the good stuff. This is why I know my love for you is true. Up until this point I’ve only read about actual true love. People talk about it. Poets write about it. Falling in love with the person time and time again. Seeing the light and the dark in someone and loving it all. Something inside you bringing out your best when you see them at their worst. I still have a hard time explaining it other than to say I love every part of you and wouldn’t change a thing. Somehow with you I’m able to access hidden parts of my brain, heart and soul to reach my full potential. Again I have to say this is so far from what my presence brings to your life. You even defined it as not normal. This is me and if you really feel this is not normal I have to walk away. I’m not blaming you for not being attracted to me. It is what it is, but don’t tell me I am not man enough to love you or handle you. Given the chance I could excel at loving you perfectly and giving you the life you deserve. I am not afraid of your demons. I’m not afraid to give up my life for yours, but I’m getting off track. You’re a beautiful woman and you have no problem finding men to love you. I know you say you are not beautiful in the eyes of the world, but get over it Jadie. You are beautiful, dare I say hot, or even sexy, and there is so much more than your physical beauty. How many times have you said men go out of their way to give you compliments? At the market, the coffee shop, picking up bagels, etc. They pass you notes with their number. You were on that dating site and it took you all of two tries to find this guy. What did it take? A little under a month. I know you think he’s special but the fact is if you tried again you will someone else with little effort, and he will be as “special” as this guy. So don’t get tied up on this guy because honestly I don’t think he has the capacity to love you like you need to be loved. If anything I just think he knows how to manipulate women. He knows women like men with options, so he shows he has options. He knows women like strong men, so he lets them know he can walk away at anytime. He knows how to love you just enough without scaring you away, and at the same time he knows how to be just enough of a jerk to play your insecurities against yourself. If I am wrong tell me, but like your mom said even a blind man can see this. Again let’s get back on track here. I’ve had a few days to process all of this and I know loving you the way I do is not normal or natural. I have to stop being a fool. My affection makes you fear me. You want me to go on with my life. The more I love you the more you push me away. It’s so hard to hear these words but I know this is world I need to live in. At this moment I wish I didn’t love you, because I don’t know how to stop. I will never be like one of your girlfriends, and I will never be able to give you this “normal” friendship that you want. All I can give you today is this promise, a promise which I will never break, parts of my heart will always belong to you and I will always be here ready to love you completely, unselfishly and perfectly. Let me know if your stars ever align with mine.
P.S. I also promise never to stop writing, and to find the success you know I deserve. Hopefully I can find a way to share it with you.
Eternally and Uncomfortable Yours,
Joseph
Gregory’s mother was never the same after his father died. His father and mother were high school sweethearts, and married just out of high school. For about 20 years they were happily married, but just before turning 50 his father had an affair. Gregory’s father briefly moved out of the house. The other women was a friend of the family. Gregory was only 17 and reacted with anger and resentment for his father. He was angry not only because he felt betrayed by his father, but also because he was the last to know. Everyone, it seemed, knew before him. The night he left the house his parents called all his siblings into the kitchen. Even his older sister, who now lived in her own house, came over. His parents calmly announced they had been having problems and they would be spliting up. After the talk his father went to his bedroom and packed a small bag of clothes. It all went very well until my father physically walked out the door. This where his mother had her break down. She ran after his father crying, begging him not to leave. His father was barely ten feet out the door. Gregory and his sisters had to pry their mother off his father. “Let him leave mom,” Gregory pleaded. It killed them all to see her like this, their mother, having grown up with an abusive mother had always been strong for her loved ones around her. “Don’t leave, please don’t leave,” was all he could remember he saying. There he stood in the patio of his childhood home, holding his mother as she continued to cry and calapse into a broken version of someone he had never seen before. It was very surreal, a few days prior he thought his life, his family, and his parents were perfect. Both parent were the eldest in their own families and there was certain pride Gregory had always felt knowing his parents were respected and admired by his entire family. This was now over 20 years ago, but every detail has been burned into his memory. His father eventually came back to the house, but Gregory always wondered why he came back. Did he come back because he loved his mother? Did he come back because he loved his family, or did he come back because financial it was impossible for Gregory and his brother to stay in private school and their father live separately? Maybe it was a mixed of all three, but Gregory always felt his fathers love for his mother was not the main reason. He was happy to have him back, but on some level his family was never the same. Sadly his father died of cancer two years later. It was not almost fourteen years later and his mother now had cancer. Just like that night she still leaned on Gregory heavily for many things. Gregory was not spending his evening, and every free moment he had at the hospital with his dying mother.
Proudly powered by WordPress
Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.