Chapter 4 – Boot Camp

It was an unusually hot summer in Irwindale. The City of Irwindale is mostly industrial littered with rock quarries, which somehow made the city eternally dusty. We’d joke it was the armpit of Southern California. There was a wave of fitness that had taken over our facility, and there were two after work workout classes that divided our facility into two camps. On one end there was the boot camp and the other there was the cross fit class. Both took place down the street for our building. Initial Dan and I enrolled in cross fit, but the. For the second round he decided to enroll in the boot camp class for some reason. At first I did know why because honestly it really was his cup of tea, and I really didn’t think anything of it.

To Do

1. Finish Linked in Profile – March 15
2. Research and Set Schedule for Certification Classes – Due March 18
3. Enter all Chapters in Final Cut – March 22
4. Identify 3 Professional Groups to Join – March 15
5. Update Outline – March 20
5.5. Add Pic to Linked In – March 20
6. Finish Business Plan – March 28
7. Finish Website – March 31
7.5. Complete Mobile html hybrid training course – March 31
7.8. Finalize Requirements Mobile App – April 1
8. Prototype of Mobile App – April 11
9. 10 Chapters Complete – April 17
10. Hire Mobile Developer – April 24
11. Identify 3-5 Businesses to Pilot App – April 30
12. Finish Swift Overview – May 1
13. Enroll in UX Training Course – May 8
14. Enroll in 1st Microsoft Cert Class- May 22
15. 15 Chapters Complete – May 22
16. Code Review Mobile App – May 29
17. Testing Mobile App – June 5
18. Submit App to Apple Store – June 12
18.5. Take PMP Exam – June 5
19. Submit App to Google Play – June 19
19.5. Enroll in 2nd /3rd Microsoft Cert Class – June 19
20. 20 Chapters Complete – June 26
21. Sign 3 Clients – June 30
22. Launch App – July 4

Fear of Fading Away

He sat across the table secretly terrified as watched her ordering their meal. He sat their terrified knowing if he stared too long his world would start to fade away. Anytime he was with her this was a danger he faced. Despite the obvious danger he would sometimes play a game and stare long enough till the world around her was just a blur of meaningless shapes. Really he couldn’t help it, but he knew if he stared too long she would recognize the look hopeless love. Who wouldn’t stare, women like her have a gravity of their own, and it’s so easy to fall into orbit around them. He never really tried to define this attraction, and it wasn’t until this very moment that he realized how perfection could be a burden. Sometimes she fought this relentless avalanche of never ending desire and affection that always seemed to follow her. He acknowledge and accepted the fact that he wasn’t the only one that would fall into orbit around her. He knew he wasn’t the first or last that would fall in the trap of loving her. She never tried to hurt anyone. He knew she’d break many hearts, even his, but he never blamed her. It was due to no fault of her own. Her only crime was existence. He could see the moment they met that she found her existence exhausting. He watched time and time again as she tried to fight it. Sometimes she fought with words, sometimes with silence, sometimes she turned the fight inward, but nothing, not even her, could stop him from loving her. No matter how hard she pushed his love always found a way to secretly grow. He was far past the point of no return, he past it two seconds after he met her, and it was never a thought to look back. Their food came in a cloud of delicious aromas. The sizzling meat, the steaming rice, and the endless assortment of sides over loaded his senses. Things were always bigger and brighter in her presence. Reality took on a whole new meaning in her eyes. These are words he could never tell her. The truth of it all would be too much for her heart to handle. She’d run back into her shell,and all these wonderfully decadent moments would fade to memories instantly. She had him living every day on the edge between his dreams and reality, and it was terrifying. Her beauty split his reality in two, but somehow this love, a love deep and ancient kept him strong. As they ate and talked about the random moments of life that surrounded their day he eventually gave in and let his world fade away. He knew he was crazy for loving her the way he did. He couldn’t deny sanity and reason would tell him to run far and fast, but he was never one to choose logic over love. They eventually finished their meal. He walked her to her car and said his goodbyes. He stood their watching her drive away, the silhouette of her car framed by the setting sun and he stood their until her car was just a shapeless shadow on the horizon. As he walked to his car he promised himself one day these two realities would fade to one.

Father

It’s been quite some time since our last word. There is so much to say, but nothing you probably already don’t know. You wouldn’t be disappointed because I know you, but with your blood in in my veins I know I should have done done more. For this I apologize, but I know life is not a straight line. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. I want you to know I breath strong because of you, and my heart beats strong because I have your blood flowing in me. I want you to know I have a life full of friends and special people I wish you could meet. Each day for the past 19 years you have been with me, in every decision you have been with me. In my successes and failures you have been with me. I tried to be there for your family as you would. I know I’m not you, but I do my best to fill the gap you left. Sometimes it’s been hard, but I remember what you taught me. I remember the pride you have when you looked at me. This keeps me going. A few years after you died I remember our water heater went out, and I had to install a new one. I know it was simple, but it was the first time I had to do something without you. There was a certain fear that came over me when I had a question about the gas line and you weren’t there to answer. You had always been there, and all at once it hit me that you were gone. After I calmed down everything you taught me started to fill my head and I felt you by my side once again. Since then everytime I pick up a hammer, or a power tool I feel close to you. I know you worried about Johnathan and Mom as you were dying. Mom was never really the same after you left. She stayed strong for us, but there was always a brokeness inside her. There were times I was angry with her for not being as strong as you, but I know you would have told me she is doing her best. She never remarried, and I am sure you are not surprised. Instead she devoted herself to her children, and grandchildren. She died 14 years after you, but in someways I feel part of her died the day you died. Regardless we still had many happy times as a family in the years after your death. Johnathan went to St. John Bosco and graduated. He still is finding his path in life. I recently moved back into the house, and I am doing my best to guide him. For several years I had lived in Pomona with Christina. I had several happy years there, but it didn’t workout. You had your doubts about her, and now I see why. As I said there are so many things to say, and I could go on forever. Today I made a decision to a chance and go after my dreams. I know you would not think I wasted my life, but I want more. I know I am capable of more. So I made a decision to devote myself to going after my dreams. You never had an opportunity to risk it all because of your responsibilities. I wish you did but I know you had us. I thank you for the sacrafices you made for us, and I promise to chase my dreams. I promise to take the risks you never could. This is promise is the only way I can pay you back. I have no doubt that I will be successful. My life is full of good people. Out of all of them there is one I wish you could meet. There is a lot in this person that reminds me of you. Like you she grew up in the projects, and never had it easy. Like you I have never seen her take a sick day without being sick, and although lost at times in the end she always does what is right. From the moment I met her I knew I had to love her. Her name is Jadie and she is definitely special. I know you would love her too. She keeps me honest about myself, and pushes me to reach for the sky like you. I am not sure how to define what she is to me, but she is definitely part of me. Now back to me. You’ll be happy to hear I finally finished my degree. The day I graduated was hard without you. As with all great days in life for me it is always bittersweet without you. I couldn’t die without finishing school. This is something I owe you. I am also writing again. You probably didn’t know my love of writing until those days in the hospital. I recently found a need to write again, and it’s one of the passions I intend to pursue. Sorry it took 19 years for me to write you I just didn’t know you were listening. I love you Dad and will never stop missing you. I promise you I will die only with memories and not dreams.

Chapter ? – Our New Home, Our Old Home

I still remember the first time I walked into our current building. It was a converted call center with two floor, and each large room seemed to be the size of a football field. It was an open floor plan, as all call centers are, with diagonal rows of desk streaming across each floor. Myself and a few coworkers had stopped by on our lunch break to get a preview of our new facility. It was freshly painted with color coded columns to identify the location of each team. Our team, the portal team, was identified by the color beige. I guess we didn’t show up the day they were picking colors. Beige always seemed to me as a non color. I always had the desire to throw a football or frisbee across the room, but regrettable never did. Walking in I would never think I would be here for six years, and I had know idea that my life would change so much over these few years. I spent most of my time on the second floor, although I did spend time working in a small support room on the first floor during a short temporary work assignment. That was the same room Jadie now worked. It is kind of funny she ended up sitting in the same desk I sat at during that year. Looking back over those years I can’t regret much I had an opportunity to learn many new skills, work with a diverse set of teams, learn the insane logic of corporate America, but out of all these things not many things would come close to have the impact of the little brunette working on the first floor. Ironically during the last years in this building I thought I was fall off course with no direction in site, but little did I know I was only now headed back to my true self and was about to rediscovery my passion and purpose in life. I can’t say it was all Jadie. Of course she will be forever be the shining beacon reminding me the way home when days get dark, but I pull myself up out of this downward spiral. I was a mess during the last of the years in the building, if you ask her she would say I am still a mess, but the truth is I’m not. I still love her with an insane passion that is defies reason, but she will never understand that’s just the nature of true love. Some call it infatuation, some might call it delusion or madness, but I know it’s now. Infatuation fades, madness and delusion leaves you lost. My love has never faded for her, and loving her has always brought me back home. I’m not saying there weren’t torturous times, but I could never turn my back on the fact that I was meant to love her. I’m still not sure where this will all end. I still don’t know how our story ends, but I am alive and loving her fuels my passions. Maybe one we will each other again.

Better than me

Who could love you better than me? Is it possible there is someone out there that can look deeper into those eyes and love you beyond the capacity of my heart? This a tough question for me to truthfully answer. The romantic in me would like to say no without a second thought. Before I answer I need to define my love. I know other men in your life feel it is purely in infatuation. I’m sure other women would agree as well, but I can honestly tell you this is not the case. I understand why one would easily define this as infatuation. It makes sense. How could I say I selflessly and completely love you given the amount of time I have known you and considering I have never even kissed you once? If I was on the outside looking in I would agree. I’m not gonna lie, to the logical sane mind this doesn’t make sense. I have known you less than a thousand days. However, I am on the inside of this bubble looking out, and without any doubt I know I love you. This is something you know without thinking. When I say the words I love you I feel my heart agree without any hint of hesitation. You have literally change the way my heart beats. You have changed the way I see the world. With you in my life the world suddenly makes sense. Every time we talk, every time I see you I find more reasons to love you and the world. I’m not a child, nor do I think like one. I have lived and loved. I have experienced tragic loss. Through all my experiences I have learned that when something truly special comes along your heart will tell you, and you my dear are rare. You are that unicorn that comes along once in a life time if you are lucky. Yes you are flawed, as we all are, but any sadness or pain you hold onto only adds to your beauty in my eyes. It’s not that I love you like a poor little bird with a broken wing that you find on your doorstep. I have always loved paradoxes, and that soul of yours defies the logic of this universe. You defy what my cynical mind has grown to believe. You should not exist, but you do. I lived my life thinking someone like you was only a myth, just like the unicorn, and here you are right in front of me. I also intuitively feel and understand you. I’m not saying I can read your mind, because sometimes you surprise me, but most of the time I feel your thoughts before you mind can form the words. I have said it before and I’ll say it again I feel your heart beat inside of mine. You are the heart of my heart, the center of my center, the root of all things true and I knew you before we ever met. Sounds ridiculous I know, but on everything I hold sacred in my life I swear this to be true. You also bring comfort to my eyes, and I am not just saying you are easy to look at, although you know I think there are not many women as beautiful as you. What I mean is that when I look at you I forget my own pain. When my eyes look into yours I know all things are possible, and I know what you are thinking you can’t understand how you could possible inspire someone this way. I just know if something as amazing as you can exist in this world then all things are possible. When I feel all the love you have in your heart I swear you out shine the sun. Being a part of you makes me fearless. You don’t see it but you are perfect in so many ways, and I use this word not because you are flawless. I say perfect because there is nothing that you could change that would make me love you more deeply. I also love that you are aware who you are and embrace it. Although this can make you stubborn at times and to be honest frustrate the hell out of me, I still love that you find strength in this awareness. This also challenges me and I secretly love strong women who challenge me. Ok I could go on endless. I have thousands of other reasons why I love you, and I never get tired of finding different ways to love you. So lets end this here and get back to your question. Is it possible there is someone better suited to love you? Sure it’s possible. It’s possible for lighting to strike twice in the same place.. Maybe it’s also possible this world is just over flowing with unicorns. I’m not saying there isn’t someone out there who could make you happy. I’m sure there are a lot of men out there that could give you a life that you deserve. I just you are one of a kind, our connection is one of a kind, and I don’t expect to ever find that again. If I am delusional and if I am not as special to you as I think I am then please let me know. Everyday that passes I am convinced more and more that you are my soulmate. Maybe thats why I love you so easily. I’ve felt compelled to love you since the day we met. This love goes beyond the limits of friendship. This love exceeds that of a romantic love. It defies definition and reason. You know this to be true. I would do anything for you. Your happiness is my happiness. I need to be a part of you, and share everything with you. I will always love you. I feel like I need to find a stronger word because even the word love is starting to feel limiting when I think about my feeling for you. Well there you go. Here are your thousand words. If you promise to read it I can promise you a thousand more each day.

Love,
J

Happy Birthday

Great days like today deserve to be celebrated. I know your humble eyes will never willingly acknowledge what the world sees in you, but enjoy this day and let the world love you. Let some of that light shine inward and enjoy the fact that you have much love in your life, a loving family, a beautiful mind and a warm soul. You are special beyond special and although timid at times you are one of the bravest women I know. I have said it a few times before you are an amazing mix of conflicting qualities. A strange rare mix of strengths and vulnerabilities. A beautiful paradox. It may take time for some eyes to adjust and make sense of it all, but when it all comes together no sane mind will deny that you are symphony of beauty.

Happy Birthday Jadie.

Love,

J

Light of Inspiration

Jadie,

Thank you for showing me the light of inspiration comes from within, and giving me reason to bring my dreams into reality. Day after day I continue to work, and there is no turning back for me. However, you have to know that each word meant more when I was able to share it with you. Even the fire you sparked burns cold because I can’t feel comfortable in it’s light. Each word is now a painful awkward struggle because I hate my eyes. I see things, I see you, I see the world, but I’m not sure of the truth of it all. Something is broken and I am not sure how to fix it. I doubt what I see and I don’t trust what I feel when I try to believe what you want me to believe. In someways I know I was both wrong and right to feel what I feel. Am I crazy to miss you? Right now I am on center in the perfect place, free of the fears and insecurities that have plagued some many years, but something feels so wrong. I don’t doubt the path to my success. At the same time I know your life is good right now, maybe it’s better without me, and I know it’s selfish of me to miss you but I do. It’s true you enabled me. You enabled me to pull myself out of a dark downward spiral, you enabled me to realize my potential, and you enabled me to turn my back on fear. For this I will always love you. You’ve helped me open my eyes. You’ve given me my world back. This is why it’s hard for me love you within moderation. You are a unique wonderful anomaly, even in times of frustration or anger it’s a truth I never dispute. I hope one day I can share this world with you. Until then I wish you a wonderful birthday week and all the love in the world.

Love,

J

Balsa Wood Glider

When I was ten I checked out a book on balsa wood gliders from the library. I have always loved libraries and book stores. Not sure where it started but my father had his library of books. Most of his books were utilitarian in nature, being devoted to construction, architecture and appliance repair. Looking back this one of the main sources for my love of books. As a child I was a amazed at how my father could learn to do anything from a book. There is some powerful and magical in that fact. My mother also took an active role in cultivating this deep, almost religious respect for nature I have in me. My elementary school sponsored book fairs every few months. The book fairs were special days for me. It was a anticipated the way other children looked forward to Disneyland or trips to the arcade.

Getting back to the subject at hand this book detailed several plans to build gliders. The suggested material was balsa wood. Being a small child my knowledge of woods was limited to that you would encounter at the local lumber yard. My father being a contractor I had much experience with red book, douglas fir and pine, but balsa wood as my father told me was a very special wood used in specialized craft project. The primary of these special qualities is its unusual lack of density or weight made it perfect for gliders. I remember my father using the yellow pages to find a hobby store in Buena Park. It was distance away from my childhood home but it was the closest business that had what we needed. It was a rare weekend where my father didn’t work, but he took Saturday afternoon of to drive me to this hobby store. I spent the week reading almost obsessing each glider this book detailed. I had selected the one I wanted and the previous evening my father and I reviewed the plans to determine what we needed.

I still remember walking in. It was the first hobby shop I entered. The ceiling was littered with remote controlled gliders and model planes. There were numerous aisles of special glues and paints only hobbyists would need. My father briefly talked to the guy at the counter, while I got lost in the fantasy land of remote controlled planes and cars. These were expensive toys I could only dream of having, but a boy could dream. My father called me to the back corner of the store where a small area of shelves and bins were devoted to balsa wood of various cuts thicknesses, cuts and shapes. Picking up my first piece felt surreal, as if I was touching some alien material. It looked like wood, smelled like wood, but it had the weight and density of styrofoam. I enjoyed these moments with my father. To me he was the source of all knowledge, there wasn’t ever a time I could remember in childhood where he didn’t have an answer or thoughtful response to my childlike inquiries. After selecting our inventory of balsa wood we went to the counter to purchase our supplies. On our short walk through the models cars, warships and planes he mentioned that we needed a special glue. He said this special glue was stronger and this was needed for our glider. I didn’t question it, but looked forward to playing with this special glue. Looking back I am not sure why my father knew of such things. His father was an alcoholic and from the stories I heard was never much of a father. Most stories my father shared led in disappointment or of him making the best with what he had. The closest thing he had to a fond childhood memory was a story about a schwinn bike his father promised to buy him. My father told me a story of anticipation of how his father gave him reasons to actually believe he was going to get a new bike. My father walked by this bike shop all week on his way home from school, which must have been torture to a young boy. Finally, the Sunday came when they were going to purchase the bike and the bike shop was closed. They never went back. His father never mentioned it again and that was the end of my fathers fantasy to own his own bike. Despite the abusive and selfish figure his father was I never heard my father say a bad word about his father. All he would say was he did his parents did the best with what they had. I thought it was curious that the shopkeeper kept this special glue locked up behind the counter so I asked my father about this on the way to the car. He said kids put it on a rag and smell the rag to get high. Like I said my father knew everything. I kind of find comfort in the fact that most people in my life see me as a source of knowledge.

We finally made it back to our house. Buena Park was about a 45 minute drive but to an adolescent boy with glider to build the drive seemed forever. It was late afternoon and my father reluctantly agreed to start building the glider. Looking back its moments like these that make me realize what a great father I had. It was a late Sunday afternoon and it was his first day off in weeks. I’m sure he wanted to relax but he said yes and we worked on the glider till late that night. He let me do most of the cuts on the wings, which was probably why it never flew quite straight, but we will get to that later. After hours of miter cuts and glueing there it was sitting on my kitchen table. I wasn’t allowed to touch it too much because my father said it needed to dry. Reluctantly I let it sit on my kitchen table sitting on a bed of newspapers so it there overnight. He said we would take to the park tomorrow after he got home from work.

88 Ways to Love

There are endless ways to love you. Today let me count a few.
I love you so that sun has reason to rise. I love you for the colors that paint the sky at dusk. I love you for what you want me to see. I love you for what you don’t want me to see. I love you for your words and I love you for the sweetness of your silence. I love you for the times my heart beats fast and I love you when it slows. I love you for teaching me love doesn’t need hope or a destination to thrive. I love you because L oving you has taught me there is weakness in strength and sometimes there is weakness in strength. I have seen love needs not reason to exist. True love is pure and exists in blindness and is not bound by the limits of time. (To be continued)

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