Loving without limits

There she was standing in the door looking as she always did. He did not have the words to describe what he felt when he looked at her. Pure silence was the gift. So much had change over the last few months within his own mind he hardly recognized himself these days. Looking back he wondered why it had taken him so long to get to this point. He retrospection had to wait because Ivy was waiting for him. She was singing a song as she quite often did. The sound of her voice will always be the sweetest sound.

Chapter 8 – Lost and Found

Once Gregory discovered the location of Ivy’s desk he would find excuses to walk by just to catch a glimpse of her. Even it was just a momentary glance of the back of her head it would make his days brighter. Just knowing she was there. Seeing the physical manifestation of what was the center of all things beautiful. Sometimes he would walk the long way to his desk in the morning just to steal a glance. Today he needs more than a stolen moment, he was determined to talk to her. Ivy always started work several hours before anyone on Gregory’s team, so today he woke up 3 hours early just to make sure he’d catch her alone at her desk. Needing an excuse to talk to her he stopped at the local star buck’s and ordered two latte’s. A latte, he thought to himself was safe. The plan was to say that they made a mistake on his order and they gave him an extra cup of coffee. It seemed simple enough and he know from his observations that she drank a morning coffee on a regular basis. Today the day he was going to ask her to lunch. Walking in the door he took a big breath of confidence and proceed to walk down the first floor hallway to her desk. Clearing his thought he said,”Hi, Ivy right?” She replied,”Yes, good morning.” “Would you like a latte, the trainee at Starbucks messed up my order and I ended up with an extra latte this morning.” “Yes, that would be awesome. Thank you,” Ivy quickly responded. “So how’s your week going?” Gregory inquired. “It’s going,” Ivy said as she slowly took her first drink of the latte. Gregory tried not to stare at her lips, but it was a losing battle he was fighting. She was beautiful and the closer he got to her the more real this beauty became. He started fantasizing about her lips, wondering what it would feel like to kiss them. He didn’t want to make his infactuation obvious so he quickly cut to the chase. “I going to try out this new sushi restaurant down the street. Would you like to join me?” Gregory inquired. “Thank you but I brought my lunch today,” Ivy responded. “Ok well let me know if you change your mind,” he said trying to mask his disappointment. Walking back to his desk he consoled himself thinking at least he broke the ice and establish his existence in her mind. She really was quite attractive, maybe too attractive for someone like Gregory. He didn’t really care. He knew this is what most people would think, but he was ok with it. Still despite being a far reach he had to try. He really didn’t understand at this moment why, but he was compelled to get close to her. Once back at his desk it was impossible to stop thinking about her. He was falling fast and they had only shared 20 or so words.bb

100%

Somedays it kills me that I care so much about what you think, and I hate going to bed right after you upset me. I’ve been up off and on throughout the night thinking about this weekend. I couldn’t finish writing my chapter because I kept dwelling on the fact that you feel I will never reach that 100%. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and you are the catalyst that triggered all of this change. The one thing that makes you different, the one reason I love you beyond anyone else in this world is the fact that you believe in me. You believed that I am better than what I’ve been and you refuse to accept anything less than my full potential. I know you are right in thinking I am better than what I have been. I will reach that 100%. I know you didn’t mean in a cruel way when you said you need to find balance with me, but it hurt to hear you say that. It makes me feel that the one person in my life that really believed in me has lost faith. Maybe I am dwelling too much on your words. Maybe I love you too much. I definitely know I love you more than you want me to sometimes. This will never change, and you know I will never love anyone the same way I love you. I will never fully explain where all it comes from, or why I have loved you from the day we met. You’ve taught me that somethings do not require explanation. Please understand there is nothing in my life more powerful than the inspiration and love I get from you. When I think of you, when I look at you I am always reminded of who I am, and suddenly everything is so simple. Don’t take that away from me and please don’t start accepting me for less than who I should be. I know what I am capable of achieving and I will make it all happen. I will prove to you I am capable of achieving consistency. I will show you I can reach 100%. Also thank you for being “inflexible” or “difficult.” These are you words, but I realize it’s one of the thousands of reasons why I do love you. For the record I don’t see you as any of these things. You just require exactly what you give, and most people don’t care or give as much as you do. I beg you don’t start caring less. Don’t start giving less. It’s what makes you special. Do not let that die. I would rather die than to see you change. It’s almost morning. I can hear birds singing and cars starting. Time for me to start my day. Today I promise you 100% and each day I will renew this promise to you and myself. Thank you for being my never ending source of inspiration, and thank you for being the whirlwind that has become the center of my universe. I love you.

Love,

J

Mission Moment

In 2010 my mother died of multiple myeloma. She had actually been suffering from it for over a year, but unfortunately it wasn’t properly diagnosed until a few weeks before her death. Her health problems actually started a year prior. She was on a trip in Monterrey visiting family when she started complaining of hip pain. Her cousin took her to a chiropractor, but this just made it worse. The pain just got worse when she returned home. A few days after she returned home I received a call at work from my sister. My sister informed me that my mother couldn’t even stand on her own any more. We knew we had to take her to the hospital immediately. My Mother was always the strong one, she was never sick and she never complained about anything, so for her to admit she needed to go to the hospital I immediately knew something was really wrong. After a long night in the emergency room the doctor on duty finally informed us it was a broken hip. That was June 25th 2009, it’s easy to remember the date because it was my birthday. This was the same hospital where I was born, so I joked with my mom that it had been over 30 years since we both spent the night in the hospital. She was release from the hospital a week and a half later after a successful hip replacement. Unfortunately, the multiple myeloma went undiagnosed. My mother went through physical therapy and seemed to improved over the next few months. It wasn’t until about 9 months later her health started to decline again. At first it was minor things like her forgetting stuff, but her physical and mental state declined over the course of a few weeks. I knew we had to do something so we took her to the emergency room on a Friday. After another long stay in the emergency room they admitted her to the ICU. The next day they informed me and my sisters that the scans showed her several areas where her bones we eaten away. Her right arm, hips, jaw and spine were all affected. They couldn’t comment on the cause until the Oncologist officially diagnosed it as cancer, but I already knew this was some form of cancer. After 3-4 days they admitted her into the oncology ward and officially diagnosed it as multiple myeloma. We spent the next few weeks in the cancer ward. Her kidney function continued declined, which started affecting her memory. As I started to research the disease suddenly everything made sense. Her broken hip, her forgetfullness, everything that had been going for over a year finally had a cause. As soon as she was stable they wanted to discharge her. At this time she couldn’t walk or even stand so my family finally reluctantly agreed to admit my mother into a nursing home. This wasn’t an easy decision, but she needed a full time caregiver. My mother didn’t have the best medical coverage and because of this we were limited to our selection of nursing homes. The one we found in Highland Park was barely acceptable, but we had no choice since all my siblings worked. After 2 days we decided at the nursing home we could do better on our own, and decided to move her back home. We weren’t sure how it would work out, but with the help of our family we knew we would manage. She never wanted to be in the nursing home and was happy to hear she was going home. Before releasing her from the home the doctor ordered one more blood test. This test showed her red blood cells to be low. The doctor told me she needed to go back to the hospital for a blood transfusion. So the ambulance we thought would be taking her home ended up taking her back to the hospital that day. Regardless we were still happy she would be home soon. That night in the hospital before I waited for the nurse to check her vitals. Her blood pressure was a little low and her temperature was down. I didn’t think anything of it, and the nurse told me it wasn’t anything to worry about. So I said goodbye to my mom that night and told her I loved her. I didn’t know this was the last time I would talk to her. The next day at work my sister called me and informed me that my mother had developed sepsis. The chemo had destroyed her immune system and there was nothing left to fight this infection. She slipped into a coma and the doctors told us we had to make a choice whether we wanted her on life support. She already had an advanced directive and we knew if we put her on life support the chances of her coming of it was very slim. So we decided against the life support and let her die peacefully. I only had a few weeks to learn about this disease before my mother died, but through each of your stories I have learned that there is hope. Your stories give me hope that we will one day beat this disease. I see the progress that has been made over the past few years, and it makes me proud to contribute to LLS. I’ve never been a runner, I’ve never liked to run, but over the past 6 months I’ve actually started looking forward to our runs. So I just want to thank you all for the opportunity to contribute to the fight against this disease, and for introducing me to the world of running. It’s not always easy to be here so early, and the first few long runs were painful but when I think about why we are here, when I think about my mother in that hospital bed wanting to get up and walk so bad, suddenly the pain goes away, suddenly I look forward to the run. So I just want to say thank you for this opportunity to run with all of you. Go Team!

Chapter 13 – Sleepless Nights

Most nights I sit in bed thinking of life past, future and present. I think of my life’s path and the things to come. Eventually I fade into thoughts of Ivy. I meditate on the inspiration she brings to me. I’ve never denied what she makes me feel, and I’ll never deny the fact that she is truly the most beautiful women in my world. It almost hurts to look at her somedays. The beauty I see in her is almost too much to process.

Looking Away

Thank you for the silence. I see the world as you want me to see. I can look away and learn to live, that was never a question.
The question that runs through my thoughts day after day, why can’t you look away. You understand more than most, but you have never seen it all.

Shadows Fall

Shadows fall at the end of the day as my thoughts end with her. Nights skies fade as the stars follow her into my dreams. The sun rises, my eyes open and her name is all I hear.

My world spins around her thoughts and words, loving her more each turn I wonder where this ends.

The rythm of her heart I feel perfectly beyond the noise of any fear. A never ending moment of desire is what calls me. Tracing her stars as I falling into the fire is all I want.

Maybe I reach beyond the limits asking for perfection. Maybe going back to the start will leads me to end. Maybe I need to steal my moment to hear the truth I already know.

Chapter 16 – Storm Clouds

It was a long night deep with emotion. The storm added to intensity of it all. The rain was relentless as were my thoughts about her. Seeing her with him tore me apart inside. Somethings you can not expect. My reaction was beyond my expectation. I knew I loved her but this is hard to describe. In a second everything was upside down and floating uncontrolable through my universe. In a moment the world was foreign mystery to me and I hate all the things I love. Instinctively I just wanted run. It wasn’t out of cowardice that I ran. I needed a moment to catch up to my thoughts, I needed a moment to be able to feel the ground beneath my feet, but most of all I needed as much space between myself and Ivy. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say, or I was afraid to face the cruel truth of the moment. Pain doesn’t scare me. My mind was overflowing with words and thoughts, but I ran because the thoughts running through my mind were dark and destructive. I was having dinner with friends that night at a local cafe and there they were plain as day. Her arms wrapped around him. Even before they emerged from the shadows I knew it was Ivy. I knew she was dating someone, but as I said I underestimated how deep the roots of this love had grown. Thank god my friends and I were done with dinner. I quickly dropped my credit card down and signed the check. Driving home in the rain with each passing mile I tried to forget her name. Memories played in my head over and over again. Looking back in moments like this you always wonder where did you go wrong. Was there a moment you should have left? Was the first word you shared a mistake? Is your heart defective? Should I regret even knowing her name? I wasn’t sure if she saw me, but as soon as I got home my phone began to explode with her calls and text messages. I could smell the panic in her words which I don’t understand. “Are you ok,” she asked in one of her text messages. Are you ok? I was pretty far from ok, but I was not about to reply to her. What did she want me to say? I guess I could have said, “Yes I’m ok.” That would have been a lie. Ivy eventually stopped texting. The next morning I thought it was over, unfortunately my phone started ringing. I ignored the first call. Then a second call came in. I ignored again. After the third ignored call she finally got the hint and stopped calling. She seemed to have given up, but as I pulled into the parking lot at work her text messages started up again. “We need to talk,” she texted. We need to talk? Not sure what there was left to say. I guess I could have said yes we need to talk about this whole in my chest left from last night. I just continued to ignore her because honestly I had nothing to say. It is what it is. She doesn’t love me, and she’s happy with someone else. Really what else was there to say? I settled into my desk hoping to have quiet Friday, but I should have known better. She worked in the same building, and we were only one staircase away. I was reading the morning batch of emails and suddenly there she was standing;

Chapter ??? – Dark Nights

There are days that make you wonder about your approach to life. Looking at my past relationships I’m starting to wonder if all the assholes in the world are right. Putting others first, making the a priority over your own happiness seems to get you nowhere. Look at my years with Maria. Yes I lied to her and kept secrets, but in the end I always put her first. What did I get in return nothing. Every moment in my life, every last moment when I felt weak or need someone I was alone. I honestly don’t mind. Fuck people, I have learned to handle my darkest nights alone and I came through it fine. Maybe I am meant to die alone, but fuck it we all die alone. I say this no because I am upset, but don’t listen to me. I’m an asshole. I don’t change. I say all these things but in the end I don’t change. My downfall is compassion. Underneath it I can never moderate my love, I am incapable of being selfish in a relationship. I wish I had some variety in my approach, but I love putting the other person first. Take Ivy for instance there are moment of doubt with her. Moments when I feel that familiar sting of selfishness, but there is something different about her. It’s her compassion. Despite her facade of independence I know she needs and wants to be loved.

Divine Blessing

I thank you for the thoughts I never had before we met, and the moments that will never be.
Lost in strange madness, searching for the one moment of truth.

Beyond imagination, beyond the truth of your life you will find what could be.
The judgement.. to be continued

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