Sitting in silence driving home from work he thought, “why does she waste her time with something she knows will not last, does she know, or does she lie to herself?” He knew she is smarter than that so he was struggling to see what he was missing. Earlier that day she had confided something her new boyfriend had shared. He shared a comment his female friend made when seeing a photo of her. It really wasn’t a comment, more of a dispersion about her looks, and I’m sure this guy made a veiled attempt at defending her, but it was still upsetting. This upset him not because of this woman’s insulting comments, but because he knowingly exposed her to ridicule and then shared it in a childish attempt to make himself look good. This so-called friend of his really wasn’t a friend, even though he claimed she was his best friend, she was in fact an ex-girlfriend he kept around for convinent sex. He had been sleeping with her on a regular basis even after they broke up. She was obviously still in love with him. As she shared what happened and what this guys shared his world turned to red. It might have been a minor event in her eyes, and I’m sure this guy probably tried to repair the damage by telling her of the beauty he sees when he looks at her, the fact remains this was a situation he foolishly created. “Did he do it just to make himself look good, why is he playing games,” he wondered? If he wasn’t playing games he was far to old to be this dumb. Even if he apologized, these actions add to his list that make him questionable at best. What game was he trying to play with her heart. It was upsetting because when you really break it down and ananlyze this objectively it was an action of a child, a pointless game this man-boy was playing. He thought, “Someone like this does not deserve her.” He tried to control his anger because he knew its not his place to protect her, and usually this instinct ends up pushing her away. He ended up having dinner with his friend that night to keep himself from stewing in his own anger, and eventually his anger subsided. As his vision cleared his anger turned to sadness. Sadness because this was her choice and knew he could do nothing to protect her. He was sad because he knew it wasn’t his place, but mostly he was sad because he knows all she wants is to be loved. This guy is not capable apprieciating a heart like hers. He may understand her on some levels, and he obviously made a connection with her but he is an imposter at best and his immature selfish actions expose his flaws. He already knew from previous conversations that he will never will be worthy of the gift she gives him, but this just validated his instincts. Admittidly, he feels what he feels for her but his love is always strong enough to see the truth. Unfortunately she doesn’t see it yet, but this guy is not what he seems and will fall short. Again he just has to sit in silence and let the world hurt her again. “I can’t care more than her,” he tells himself constantly.

It had rained all day and the cold air was fresh and new, a rare treat for southern california. He was on his way to work but the chill in the air triggered thoughts of his younger years when his father was still alive. His father was a truck driver and occasionally his mother would take him to work. It never made sense to him that his mother would drive all that way when his father had his own car, but being older now he realized his father worked long hours, sometimes 7 days a week to pay for his private school, and this was their only way of spending time together. Since he was on summer break he would wake up early to tag along with his parents. Usually there was time to stop at a donut shop a few miles from his work, and thay would spend a minutes drinking their coffee talking. Funny thing is now he couldn’t tell you in detail any of their conversations, but looking back these early morning drives to his fathers work were some of his best childhood memories. It wasn’t just the donut and chocolate milk that was his motivation, he didn’t realize it at the time but this was also his way of stealing time back time with his father. Most days his father would leave before he woke up, before the sun even rose, and he would be lucky if his father returned in time for dinner. His father drove an old rusty beat up 1957 chevy truck, its rough idling and rusty squeaks gave it a very distinct sound. The sound would always announce his fathers return from work. It must have been a company truck because there were to white blotches of paint on each door, appearently where someone painted painted over the company name. Not sure why they used white since the truck was dark green but this lazy effort resulted in what really looked to white clouds. To his childhood eyes they did look like clouds, and he never really questioned why they were there, he just accepted them as clouds.

Over the course of a few short year the two had become best friends. The two had shared thoughts and emotions they never share with the rest of the world. It was undeniable their souls were connected by their truths, their fears, and an undefinable love the shadowed their own significance. Through countless late night conversations they learned they are not alone. When their thoughts intertwined he felt the magic. Instantly they both recognized each other’s perfect imperfections. Selfless and pure it was definitely true love, and because of this impossible truth he could never feel anger or regret knowing her name. Looking back he could find no fault in her love. Looking back he could never feel anything except grateful for that warm summer night they met, the night he first spoke her name, it was only two syllables but as soon as that beautiful word left his lips his existence suddenly had meaning. Despite all the profound moments, despite all the intimate understandings, a part of his heart knew his desires were hopeless, and he knew could not blame anyone for the mess his heart had become. He had no reason to believe he could fight the stars, no one ever said he had chance, but this love he felt when he looked at her knew no fear. From the beginning she said it wasn’t there, and he had no reason to doubt. In fact he always knew he was running towards the fire and his desires were impossible at best. He couldn’t tell you if it was bravery or foolishness to try to love a heart like hers. Maybe it was that foolish heart that convinced him, maybe it was his blind love that said he might actually be good enough to be the reason her heart beat. Despite all the pain when he looks back he still feels no regret, honestly the only thing that ever scared him more than being so far away from heaven is being close, being able to feel her heart beat next to his was a terrifying thought. He knew this blindness offered its own salvation, he knew if he held her the way he wanted, even just once, he could never turn back. If he was able to know the beauty of waking up with her in his arms he would be crushed into oblivion. If you never know what pure happiness feels like how could you ever truly miss it. To him it was all a dream, and all though this dream was pure agony, it was far less than that fall from heaven would be if he ever lost her. He knew he would never know what is like for her to hurt for him. He couldn’t barely imagine what it feels like for her to need him. His name will never make her dream, not the way hers does for him. Still he wish he knew why his heart needs to love her, he wish he knew why he had to understand her pain. During the long nights all he could think was, “Why did the universe give him this useless heart?” He didn’t look for this, it found him. Why was this love instant? Nothing was easier or ever felt more true that this love. He wondered why she needed him to admit it was lie. “Was it a lie?”, he thought. “Do my eyes lie?”, he would wonder. He tried to stop it, he tried a thousand times, but nothing felt more unnatural than not loving her the only way he knew how. He tried to let her go, but it was exhausting to pretend he was not who he was. An invisible force he never understood always pulled him back. Without any effort without any thought he would float back to her. She never lied, her actions, her words never gave him false hope. She wanted his heart to break so he could move on, and trust me so did he. He would pray every night to his heart to stop working. If it broke then at least he might see the shadows she speaks of, and maybe he would stop seeing the perfection she brought to his world. Still he always knew letting go was never a solution to his plight, she didn’t understand letting go carried with it its own hazard. Letting go, admitting that his heart lies and his eyes are useless would damage his soul beyond repair. It would kill the spark that fuels his passion. This is what she wants, this is what she thinks he needs, but this would be a lie he would never believe. He can’t stop seeing her for what she is, what she has always been, and what she is meant to be. He wish he could beg her for a chance but he loves her too much to for that. He could give into weakness, it would be so easy to plead for what he wants, but he can’t. He has never has never even tried. Doing so would bring him down to the level of all the other men that have taken selfishly from all her life. He tells himself, “Silence is the better than lies, silence is better than selfishness.” Lately silence has become his best friend. He would never be strong enough to walk away, but he know she is stronger than that. She could survive a world without him so that’s why he learned to love silence, and maybe he could survive a world without her but it would be a world without color, flat and void of any meaning. He would slip occasionally from his vow of silence, well maybe quite often, but that was still a fraction of the fire that she inspired within him. “Maybe one day things will be different, maybe one day the timing will be right, and if not this life maybe the next,” he tells himself as he falls into his bed exhausted every night. Loving in silence is exhausting if you have ever tried it, and he’s been doing it longer than he cares to remember. It sounds in insane but he loved her before they met, the only truth he had every really taken into his heart was this love he feels when he looked at her. It made him strong, it made him weak, but above all loving her made him who he always knew he should be. Maybe one day she would come to accept his love for what it is, maybe one day she’ll understand this will never change and thousand years of loneliness would do nothing to dull his love, not that this will change her heart but at least she will know he’s not blind in his desires.

Almost everyone has felt heart break at least once, myself included. For me it’s been three. For me she was the third, but this time was different because my hearts refuses to break. I knew from at first sight she was destined to hurt me. Not because she was cruel or indifferent in anyway, I just knew some how she was beyond my reach. The beauty and grace that surrounded her would intimidate any man. For me it was like looking at a distant star knowing impossible spans of time and space separate kept us apart. So why do I try, why at this very moment have I not given up. Logic and reason tell me otherwise, but there is something inside that tells me I can change the stars. Foolish I know, and I have heard it a thousand times from a thousand different voices. None of these words matter. I just know I need to love her. Where will this end? I do not know, nor do I care. To me she is air, to my she is more precious than my own blood, and if I have to be perfectly honest with you I have known heart break beyond the number three. My heart breaks a little each day I live without her, my heart breaks each second I’m away from her. I’m not sure why my heart hasn’t submitted to the pain. I don’t even know I can’t stop wanting her. None of her words give me hope, neither do any of her actions. Am I delusional? If I am there is no hope for me. I just feel it, something deep inside my soul, something silent and true guiding me to her heart. So where does this leave me? I am not quite sure. Lesser men would walk away I know that. Maybe that’s the smart thing to do. This is definitely the road less traveled. Please don’t misunderstand, all this conviction does not have it’s trials and it’s momentarily slips of conviction, but when my heart stops racing and my vision clears there she is, there she always is and with one sweet breath I’m back in orbit spinning around her. You could say I’m a romantic, always hoping against hope, reaching for impossible moments, but I don’t mind. She’s worth it. I’ve spent my life ignoring the beats of my own heart. I’m done with the quiet desperation that plagues this world. My one true religion is loving her, it brings me peace and kills my demons. What it comes down to is the fact that I know the love in my heart is true. Nothing else matters. I know most people are not lucky enough to know a love as true as this so I will follow it to my end, and if all I get is a chance to dance in the shadow of her light I will die happy. I know I sound mad. Most people love for a reason, but I don’t need reason to love her. Just watch her for a few minutes and you’ll see. You’ll see she an angel in every sense of the word, gentle beautify, quiet strong compassion, and a pure heart. Just watch her move, just watch her breathe, watch her speak, and you will see what I see. It is a subtle quiet song she sings, but hear it once and you will never forget. I’m sorry I could go on forever, trying to capture her beauty in words is one of my favorite games. I never win, I keep hoping one day I will fall upon a magically string of words that will set her free. I say set her free because she is trapped in an invisible prison of her own creation. She may be unique, beautiful, and undeniably special, but she doesn’t see it. She carries with her a quiet deep pain from her childhood. You see was never taught that her unique qualities should shine and she was taught by neglect and abuse to deny her beauty. Maybe she doesn’t consciously deny anything, these early years damaged her eyes and when she looks into the mirror she doesn’t see what you and I see. It’s a sad truth that the unique souls like her suffer this persecution in life. She suffered at home, and she suffered at school. Children can be cruel and her middle school was no different.