He loved Jadie. That was his problem and his solution. There was desire, more than he had ever felt, but it was complicated. He needed and wanted to love her in so many ways. This love of his beyond any romance, and deeper than any friendship. It was profound beyond the conventional view of the world. At times it was profound, and at times it was confusing. There were moments of passion, and there were moments complete peace. It was agonizing, and exhilirating, sometimes simultaneously. She made him feel. She made him feel everything across the sprectrum of emotions, he knew this was being alive and he loved her for it. Even when she hurt him he loved her. The greeks had many words for love and understood it to have many names. Eros, Pathos, Philia, Ludus, Agape, Pragma, and Philautia. Eros was the passionate side of love. Fiery, irrational, and uncontrollable. The love that would possess and drive you mad. Where do you think the phrase falling madly in love comes from? Philia was the love of a deep friendship. This side of love was loyal, sacraficing, and sharing. This love required a deep connection and understanding for the other person. Ludus is playful and affectionate. Frivolous, fun, and it loves to tease and play. Then there is Agape the selfless love. The love that inspire charity. It is a universal love of everything. Pragma is the mature side of love. Usually developed over long periods of time, it is patient, understanding and tolerant. The last type of love Philautia is the love of ones self. This self compassion enhanced our capacity for other types of love. What he felt definitely spanned each of the areas. Yes, there was definitly uncontrollable fires burning. Yes, tt was undeniable there was a deep connection. Playful and teasing? Yes. Selfless? Selflessness is a requirement to love Jadie. So a big yes there. Surprisingly even though they only knew each other a few years Pragma was definitely covered. He loved her as if he knew her a thousand years. Lastly he loved her as loved himself. It was almost a perfect love. If she only felt the same. If only she wanted all the love he had to give.

Tonight they were to meet at the Colorado. A dive bar on the eastern end of Pasadena far away from the crowds, the metered parking, and the pretenious buzz of the upper middle class. Inside it was a little run down, with dark walls, neon signs, and a floor some how seemed to seamlessly blend into the ceiling. Dark leather booths lined the left side of the bar, and wooden bar stools lined the right side of the bar. Behind the bar were the usually selection of spirits and beer on mirroried shelves that one would find at any bar. There was no kitchen but they did sell small bags of potatoe chips and candy bars, and lotto tickets, very classy I know. I never said it was classy. Despite all its flaws they both loved it. They loved it the way one would love an old comfortable sweater. It was old and familiar, and it was theirs. A place they could hide from the world and find comfort in eachothers existence without interuption or distraction. The juke box didn’t have much of a modern selection, but it was filled with songs that resurrected fond warm memories of yesterday. The staff, while rough around the edges at times, provided fast, friendly and prompt service. It was definitly not high-end, but it was a place of comfort and refuge for them both. Most importantly it had a pool table in the backroom, which was one of the few physical activities he could confidently and consistently beat her at. He even bought her a personal pool stick as an incentive to play. It was pink with girl graphics that read “sweet candy.” It was probably more femine than she prefered, but he didn’t care. He just knew she would look cute holding it.

He had arrived before her. Instinctively he grabbed a seat at the bar and quickly ordered a drink. He texted her to get an ETA. She replied,”I’m running late, but please don’t be drunk when I get there.” Although he was not an alcholic, he did enjoy to drink and she felt there was a lack of control to this enjoyment. He never bothered to argue with her because he knew here words showed that she loved him. It was a Sunday afternoon, football was on, so he made small talk with the local bar flys while he waited for her. Finally, after about twenty minutes she arrived. He was already looking at the door. For some reason he always felt her before she arrived. Everything slowed down that moment, everything except his heart. The world just felt different when she was around.

She sat down at the bar and ordered her usual, Jameson and Ginger. The bartender quickly and with extra care delivered her drink. He thought to himself beauty does have it’s perks. She would deny any special treatment by men, but he always noticed that men, men with half a brain and working eyes, always treated her with special care. He would never be jealous over it. He understood there need to make her happy. “How could you not want to make that beautiful face smile,” he always thought to himself. (To be continued)

The day was one of thousands that blended into each other. He spent his day organizing bills, lighting the pilot light of his heater, working out, and counting the leaves on the tree in his backyard, basically anything to keep his mind from wandering back to her. When everything else failed he retreated to sleep praying that she didn’t find his way into his dreams. As he gazed out his front door and watch the retreating sun he let his thoughts retreat and his strength grow as the days shadows stretched into night. “I know your out there, and I know you feel me,” he said to the amber sky as it swallowed the sun. He was talking to the missing piece of his heart, which he was beganing to understand was broken into two pieces the day she was born. He could feel it beat, he felt all his life, he never doubted it was different, but he craved for the secrets that were unlocked when she was around. The road ahead, the decisions to get where he needed to be were simple to see now. He had one goal, one purpose, and failure was a distant word not in his vocabulary today. He understood time separated them at the moment, he knew so did space, but nothing could stop his thoughts from finding her. “It was time to stop the silence,” he thought. He owed it to himself, he definitely owed to her. As the last sliver of sun disappeared into the dark horizon he couldn’t help but smile because he felt a confidence that was beyond his understanding. He just accepted this gift and smiled becuase he knew at that moment he was exactly where the universe wanted him to be, and he knew his life was about to transform. For once he embraced the discomfort and uncertainity, and looked that challenges of the coming months and years the way a hunter looks at his prey.

He woke with thoughts of her as he always did, but today he tried to fight them back. He missed her and wanted to hear her voice more than anything. “Let go, move on,” was the impossible mission of the day. It was a few days after Christimas and the late winter had finally come to California. Through the blinds of his bedroom he could see the cold cloudless blue sky waiting for him to start the day. The morning coldness had a bite and in a momentarily lapse of reason he started to fanatasize and wonder what it would feel like to wake up with his arms wrapped around her beautiful body. How amazing would the smell of her hair be, and how sweet it must feel to be there when she opens her eyes for a new day. He eventually got out of bed and started this day, but today was different. He didn’t feel crippled by hopeless plight of his unrequited love and he had purpose. Somedays you just trust in destiny and today was one of those days for him. Their paths were meant to cross and he knew somehow life would always keep them close. He knew she’d be in his future, and his love for her will always be this unstoppable force. So today he was going to live his life and exist with no regret. As he jumped that morning he looked at the morning sky through his bedroom window and sent her thoughts of love as he alwasy did. “I love you Jadie”, he thought as his feet touched the floor. (To be continued after breakfast Jadie…)

It was a few strokes past midnight on Christmas Day. He ended their conversation with, “Thank you.” “She is probably asleep,” he thought to himself. He knew even if she wasn’t she wouldn’t have asked why. She was smart and learned to ignore his “complicated” moments and words. It was probably best she had already told him he doesn’t have a chance. Not in those exact words but with a look once. Even if you have never seen that look you would know it when you saw it. Its a look of pity and love. His heart doesn’t listen. It still goes on loving, wanting, and hoping. It’s really not a bad life, he had now become accustom to his broken heart. They say the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know, and he definitely knew this demon. The thing he couldn’t figure out was why he couldn’t walk away. He did understand that he could only love her in one way, and when he looked at her his heart will always melt. He knew from the moment he met her he would always be in love with her. Not being a child he knew when someone tells you they don’t feel the same you should move on, but he couldn’t. As hard as he tried he couldn’t. To add insult to injury she was also his best friend, they had a connection, an understanding beyond anything he had ever felt. Getting back to his “Thank you.” In his mind the thank you was for all the obvious reasons. For being the most beautiful example of a woman he had ever known. For being the perfect image of love in this broken world, but most of all he was saying thank you for one of his favorite moment. The day before at work she tied up her hair with a pen, not in any exact fashion, but it always left him without words. His favorite part were the few loose stands of hair that fell randomly framing her beautful face. Looking at her during these moments he understood why men fight wars, build mooments, create priceless works of art, climb moountains, and otherwise push the limits of their humainity in an attempt to be worthy of such women. Looking that her dark silky hair tied up exposing the delicate knape of her neck he fantasized what it must be like to kiss that skin, and memorize those curves by touch. With his eyes secretly he traced her those delicate contours again and again, down the the base of her neck and up to that cute chin, the dimple on her left cheek, those lucious full lips, the beautiful mole on that little button nose, and then up to the center of his universe, her eyes. Her eyes were what made his universe move. He was an expert in these momemnts, he knew if he watched her carefully there were these rare random moments when he could steal a deep stare into those eyes when she was unaware. You can get lost in that ocean of love, pain, joy, fear, and wonder, and he never missed a chance to dive into that ocean that she called a soul. This is why he loved her, she made moments like this happen when she was at her desk opening her mail. He had known for years and this passion and desire has only grown deeper. This is why he never considered walking away, he knew this love was part of him. Bsides, who called walk away from a miracle like this. Sure his heart had been broken a thousand times and was sure to only have years of heart ache ahead, but she was worth it. Today was a day he spent with family, and he looked forward to it. His heart now considered her family too, so it left him sad that he would not see her today. His only comfort was knowing that although separated for the moment by time, space and personal circumstance he could still feel his heart beat inside of his. This was something either of them could deny. As he decided to get up for the day and get ready for the world he sent her thoughts of love and happiness.

It’s Christmas eve and my thoughts can’t stay away from you. I know I am far from your thoughts, but it doesn’t matter tonight. Tonight I am tired of pretending this heart was not made to love you. I am tired of pretending I am not who I know I am. I am tired of hearing my deepest thoughts are misgiven. Just once, if only for a moment, if only for one beat of your heart, let these words find a home deep in your heart. Tomorrow I will go on with this charade and pretend I am just a fool. You don’t have to say anything, let your silence be your gift for me today. Just let me exist as I was born. I may not know what is like to kiss those lips, but I have memorized every piece of that broken heart. I love each piece for the miracle. I love your broken heart, and all it’s countless pieces. Maybe it’s possible my heart could match your in love, and happiness. Maybe my heart could heal the pain that haunts your dreams. What if there are secrets I keep that would make you understand your destiny. What if you are wrong about me? In you will always have a perfect love that understands, love and protects. You are and always will be the end that I have always known. Give me a chance to make everyone of your dreams come true.

Loving someone from a distance is an agonizing challenge, but he had to keep his distancce. He knew trying to touch the stars is a tragic hope that is almost impossible to fulfill. Still she was beautful, and he knew this type of beauty was a rare gift for his eyes. Her physical beauty, was only half of it, watching her think, watch her feel, was like watch heaven being born, pure magic. She was unaware of the miracle she had grown to be to those around her. She was so unaware of her magic, I can only compare her blindness to a fallen angel who lost her way home. He found her humility charming. Each moment with her was amazing, he tried to memorize every detail. He would stare at her when she wasn’t looking in the hope that her image would burn into his eyes permanently.

They worked for the same company so he was lucky to see her almost on a daily basis. She would joke, “How could you miss me, you see me almost everyday?” He would think to himself, “I will never get tired of looking at that face.” Today he was lucky enough to get a lunch date with her. He knew with someone like her an invite always had a 50/50 change at best. So today was his lucky day, she said yes. Many men at his company had pursued her, and rightfully so, she was special. Even the men with half a brain could see this, and because of this having lunch with her always made him feel like he had won a prize that day. They went to their usual spot, she was very particular in her restaurants, but he never complained because that discerning palate of hers never let him down. She was a little thing, with a tiny frame but she did enjoy her food. This was among his top ten favorites things about her, and yes sadly he had a list he kept in his head. For example number 7 was the way she used his full name, Joseph. Although he never knew whether to be terrified or exhilirated when that word left her lips. She ate with passion, but not in a gluttonous way. She ate in a way that showed she was not afraid to enjoy the simple things in life. Luckily for him she also liked to share her passion for food. She had many facets to her existence like this, and each one made you want to love her as much as your heart could bear. As they sat down she quickly ordered her usual spicy salmon salad. He loved to watch her eat, somehow it made her beauty more accessible to him, somehow it made her seem almost real enough to touch. He would always play with her saying, “watching you eat is like food porn for me.” He did love watching her eat, but he really just liked to watch her exist. Watching her comb her hair, cook an egg, or even tie her shoe was a treat for him, but that’s love for you. It has a way of reminding you that the small moves of the universe are the ones we remember and cherish. Their order only took 10 minutues as they were the only one in the small restaurant. As she quickly devoured her salad he sat and admired her appetite almost forgetting his own meal. He just sat scretly admiring her and thought,”God she’s amazing.”