It’s was the first Monday after meeting her. He wasn’t sure what caused him to look her up. In the back of his mind he knew his good friend was interested in her, but that didn’t matter. There was an invisible force pulling him. He only knew her first name, thankfully it was not very common at my company. He looked her up on the companies instant messenger. It was his lucky day, she was online. He added her to his contact list and stared at the green glowing icon that indicated she was online. He sat at my desk staring at that little green dot for a few minutes thinking of a casual way to start a conversation. “Hi,” he typed. She replied, “Hello.” “I had fun last night,” he replied. “I wasn’t sure this was you but there aren’t many Jadies in the company, how do you pronounce your last name,” he inquired. He had never seen the name before, it was short and one syllable. It was probably the most boring conversation they would ever have, but at least it gave him a reason to talk to her. He honestly does not remember the rest of the conversation. It was actually cut short by the arrival of his tyrant boss. She was a miserable pile of woman, barely five feet tall with a permanent scowl, and had a extra large diet coke permanently attached to her hand. Her eye liner was always somehow smeared, leaving raccoon like circles around her eyes. She walked over to his desk and barked her orders for the day, then retreated to her desk. Today he didn’t mind, even his bosses cloud of misery could not ruin this day. He messaged her throughout the day, being new we there were thousands of reasons to talk to her. That day was a blur, but it was the first of many great conversations.

There are days he will do anything to see her. Loving her, loving her completely can easily drive you mad. The most impossible challenge in loving her is balance. The balance of not wanting to know all her secrets. Tbe balance of knowing when to hold her tight and when to let go. The balance of not fading away into the desire she inspires. Since they have met, in the years that have past there has been love, there has been desire, and there has been a deep understanding within him. Despite it all there has always been something missing. Their stars have always been misaligned. Today, however, that has changed. His vision has cleared. In fact over the past few months there has been a momentum building inside him.

Today she invited him to dinner. It’s a special day, the two are celebating his completion of his degree. These days time she has many competing priorities. He knows time with her is scarce, he feels lucky to have her booked for an entire Friday night. He has a few hours to kill before meeting her. Not wanting to fight traffic in Los Angeles on a Friday he stops at his favorite bookstore, which is conveniently near her. Ever since his childhood he’s loved bookstores. As far as he can remember this has been his sanctuary. All those thoughts, those pages, with all those words, all that knowledge and imagination contained in one place is more beautiful than almost anything he’s seen, except of course her. Today even his favorite bookstore is shadowed by the aniticipation of seeing her. Today every book might as well contain only one word, Jadie. Walking past the various sections he finds excuses to think about her. Walking by the photography section, history, poetry, greeting card, blank journals, and even the chidrens books inspire thought and memories of her. He thinks of her interest in photography, or how she always handwrites her thank you cards. He think of the yellow journal she bought once, or the books she reads to her nephew. He thinks to himself, “she would think I’m obsessed if she could hear my thoughts today.” The truth is not obsession, he knew with obsession you want have an unreasonable desire to posess something. His love is not unreasonable, and honestly he just wants to love her. If anything he’s possessed, not obsessed. “I would be greedy to ask for more”, he says trying to convince his desires to die. He has always wanted more. He knows he will always want more, but thats just the curse of loving her. She is the type of woman inspires desire, and makes you feel alive.

He checks his phone for time and realizes his agonizing wait is over, he can finally start making his way to her house. Making his way by memory, he makes his way past all the nameless sidestreets. Past all the familiar landmarks, and street lights, until finally the corner house with the cobblestone wall, which is his signal to turn. Just two more blocks after the turn but even that seems like an eternity knowing what awakes him at the end. Pulling into her driveway he sits for a few moments looking up at her kitchen lights. He sits looking up at his north star. He can hear music and movement in her kitchen. Looking up at her kitchen windows he’s lost momentarily in the happiness and sadness of the moment. At this point I do not have to waste time defining his happiness, but I will explain his sadness. He’s sad because he knows as soon as he walks through her door he will have to pretend. He will have to pretend his heart doesn’t race when she hugs him. He will have to pretend that the rest of the world hasn’t stopped existing when he sees her, and he will have to pretend his heart doesn’t exist for the next few hours. Of course he will have his moments of weakness. He will have moments where he accidentally looks a little to deep into those eyes. He will have moments where he fades away while he tries to memorize the beautiful contours of her face, or moments when he makes the fatal mistake of looking at those lips and wonders if he would cease to exist if he had just one taste. All this would drive any normal person crazy, but there is another side to this love. Besides the desire there is peace. Peace in her existence, and this gives him strength.

He walks in greets at first trying not to get too close, or spend too much time in those eyes. He needs time to build his strength. “What do you want to drink,” she asks. “I’ll have what you are having,” he replies. She’s drinking wine, he’s thankful for the drink, it will slow his mind. Handing him a glass of wine she asks if he is hungry hinting that she isn’t hungry due to a large lunch. Even though he didn’t eat he says,”I’m not that hungry either.” The truth is that when he is around her its hard to want food, other stronger desires take over and trival needs like food or air take a back seat to what she provides. She tells him he’s crazy for feeling what he feels, so he keeps thoughts like this to himself. He knows she is just trying to let him down easy. Women say these things when they are not interested. He’s tried to stop loving her so much. He really has but nothing can convince his stubborn heart to give up on its dreams. For years he has known he has loved her, he’s alwauys wanted her and this will be true until he dies. Late at night when the world is quiet he admits to himself this love will only grows. This is always his last thought as he closes his eyes for the last time that day. Sitting watching the movie he sits content with the world. This is all he will never need. Halfway through the movie and after a bottle of wine his suppressed hunger starts to compete for attention.

As he walked in the door instincts wanted to pull his eyes towards her, but he fought it. This was a work event and he had to fight it. He had to pretend the world didn’t fade away when his eyes met hers. He artificially made his way around the room, greeting his co-workers just it wouldn’t be so obvious that Jadie was the only reason he was there. Finally he made his way to where she was standing, he felt the way a child felt after finishing their vegtables just so they can have desert. He kept eye contact with her to a minimum to hide his adoration. To most this night she was the perfect host, beautiful, funny, attentive, and engaged. This is not to say she wasn’t enjoying herself, but when he looked at her he could always see all the layers of emotions moving around behind those eyes. This is why he loved her so much, to him she had multifaceted existence at any one moment. In his eyes it all blended beautiful. The beauty, grace, insecurity, confidence, love, fear, happiness, and pain. Maybe she was a mess, but to him she was a beautiful mess. He knew everyone is really a mess inside going ten different directions as once, but she always managed to pull it together to something more real, and deep than anyone he had ever met. He never minded a party, in fact he enjoyed meeting people, and getting lost in their story. Inside he was a writer, but he knew the best stories come from real life. That night he mingled with many new friends and old friends. Occasionally, he’d scan the room to find her and admire her for a few moments. She didn’t like to be watch, it made her more self conscience than usual, so he never watched for more than a few seconds, but watching her was amazing. He understood and loved her so watching her in real life moving through a night like this was amazing. He watched her the way astronomers watch the night sky in awe, just knowing all that beautiful was the result of uncontrollable energies, countless reactions, and undefinable dimensions. Just like the night sky, or any other natural beauty your own existence was shadowed by her presence. If she heard these words she would laugh, but she is special, anyone that meets her can see this, it is not just a creation of his delusions. Watching her that night, he took in all the smiles and laughs she created as she mingled. It’s hard to understand how someone like her could be insecurity. Physically she very easy to look at, and the fact that she was obliviously to her own physical beauty made her more enchanting. Mentally she was approachable, sincere, intelligent, and playful. She will never see any of these gifts. In the mirror her damaged eyes only see flaws and insecurities. He thought to himself, “one day I will make you see.” Some things came alive inside him when she met him, he wished he could return the favor. He knew for now he was not allowed to hope for what his heart wanted. As always he tried to focus on the fact that he was lucky that she let him inside her heart. Unforutnately his heart was greedy and he wanted more. He never tried to deny that his heart belonged to her.

It was the end of a long week. For some it was the start of new things, but for those left behind it was going to be long road of goodbyes. The company they worked for had just finished the third in a long round of lay offs. He knew she had a rough week, saying goodbyes always hurt her more than others. On the surface to most she presented her usual image to the world, calm, charming and beautiful, but just below surface was a very different world. Just below the surface there was an ocaean of insecurity, doubt, confusion, and pain. He loved this about Jadie. He loved her not because deep inside she carried scars from the past. He loved her because despite that dangerous ocean inside her heart still beat strong in these moments. Some even her tears made the world brighter. She wasn’t aware of this, within herself she still saw that scared frightened little girl from her childhood. She definitely had layers, and to some this might make her difficult to understand. He knew some might even use try to define a heart like hers as dangerous, but she never hurt anyone except herself in these lost moments. Tonight was no different. Her close friend, Jim, was retiring. Jim recently lost his wife. As all widows he was inconsolable and wounded, but over the past six months Jadie had grown close to him. She had made Jim sign up for a marathon, and despite being in his sixties and overweight he signed up for a half marathon with her. Being with her she always made you feel like you could do anything, when she loved you impossible didn’t exist. It might be lazy to describe her as magic, but she was magic. There was nothing like her in this world.

She had planned Jim’s retirement party, and in her typical fashion she the ordinary extraordinary. For a week she planned, and plotted. She even contacte corporate security to obtain Jim’s orginal id photo, created a photo collage, and arranged an impressive spread of appetizers. She reserved space at a small wine bar. It was the same wine where he met Jadie. Ironically she was almost wearing the same thing from that first night, jeans, heels, but instead of black blouse she wore a black sweater. The night was a success, people laugh, people ate, and people drank. During a toast to Jim, she almost let a tear slip, you could hear the crack in her voice, but she pulled it together and finished her toast. He and a few friends stayed behind to help Jadie clean up. They quickly packed her car, had one last toast to Jim and she was on her way home. Needing to sober up he went to dinner with his friend Erik. On her way home she called her current romantic interest, Jose. Needing to confide, wanting to be love, she tried to expose her demons to him. She knew that he was going to love her he needed to become familiar with this dangerous ocean of hers. Unfortunately he could not understand. Despite a facade of complex thoughts and sentiments, Jose saw the world, himself, and others in simple definite terms. Jadie was not simple, and her heart was an undefinable territory that you need to love before you understand. This hurt her deeply because she doesn’t expose herself to many, and in a brave vunerable moment she thought this guy might have the capacity to understand her demons. He did the worst thing possible, he judged. She was reaching out to him, and he pushed her away. Before hanging up he judgementally spewed the sentence, “I thought you loved yourself.” Maybe in his life this was taken as love, but to Jadie this was toxic. He knew from the beginning this guy would never be enough, and if he was being honest with himself he was a little envious of the guy. Maybe it was a tiny bit selfish, vut he didn’t want him in Jadie’s life. He was not worthy on so many levels, but he didn’t want it to happen this way. To be continued….