Falling down in the dark. Forgething the beginning would be so nice.
Knowing the end, seeing it come, hearing the fall, see it kill me slowly.
I fall with you. I fall alone. Sitting in the broken light as the shadows die. There is now fear in my eyes, I trust the pain.
Help me decide who you are. Come out of the darkness and finish what you started. You know I can’t stop, you know I will never stop.
They don’t love you like I love you.
I know I love you too much, but I can’t help but give you everything.
I know that’s my fatal flaw, my fatal mistake.
What do you want? My heart’s desires control my involuntary reaction.
I’ve told you love you is a reflex, but these are spoken Moments we have agreed too.
These are moments needed to continue, but gravity pulls me. I can’t fight it.
You know what you do to me. All I want is my freedom to love. My words, my actions are only a reflex of what I need to be. If you can’t then kill me me now, because I can’t stop loving you.
Give me a chance to show you, to bath you in my love. I’m overflowing in impossible moments. Just give me a moments of your weakness and I will give you everything.
How do you forget heaven exists? It’s what you want.
Reaching beyond the limits of what the world can see I die everyday. The first moments left me stranded halfway to heaven, a stranger to my own happiness, locked out of my own heart. Days fade into nights, nights fade into dreams, and dreams fade into blue skies again and again. I have been lost before, so I know this is not a dream. I have let go of it all, I’ve stopped trying to be, and still everything screams name to my useless heart. I never asked for this, its not a path I choose, it just is. So maybe I can forget heaven exists, maybe I can forget my own name…it will all be eaaier than forgetting you.
She is deep not because of the complexities of heart or mind. Her depth is born from her tears. Her depth is born from the truth of her sadness. Some people run from the storms, but she never does.
She is deep because she never tries to hide that broken heart. Her eyes tell her story best. Quiet, subtle and true her beauty is enough to break any heart brave enough to love her. It’s almost to much for any man, but I could never look away.
She is deep because her existence is a contradiction to your every thought. There is light where there should be dark, and there is life where there should be pain. Hopeless nights die in the shadows of her dreams.
She is deep because when I see my reflection in her eyes I understand why the world spins…
I really missed you the past few weeks. Even though I may have seen you, I felt invisible distance growing between us. It was definitely winter in my mind, cold and dark were the days without the better half of my soul. Trust me, it’s not like I don’t love the things inside me, all the other parts of my life, but you bring something rare and irreplaceable. Just a day with you brings me back to my center. Your hugs, your smile, your words are pure magic. My core, my deepest thoughts, the beat of my heart have their own existence without of you. I know I need to understand and remember this because this keeps me strong, but there is another side you can never deny. You will never deny the colors you bring to my world. You will never deny the brightness of my eyes when I see you. You will never be able to deny rhythm you give to my heart. You said my words give love dimension, but my best words only come when you are in my mind. You are my muse, my best friend, my greatest inspiration, and the truest love. For this I selfishly need you. For this I will always selflessly love you. Thank you for being my center. Thank you for the understanding and balance. Time and time again, thank you. This may sound like a repeat, like a broken record, but I never get tired of loving you. The more I love you the more I understand my own secrets. I promise you will hear this countless more times in many different ways before I die. I will always be thankful for the day we met. I never look at a new morning sky and forget to love you. You will always be the source from which I define beauty and love. You align my stars, kill my demons, and you do it all with ease. Just a look from those eyes is all it takes for me to realize who I am. Thank you….please don’t define just accept. Now I need to get back to work on our escape plan.
Love,
J
It’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep. One thought is running through my mind. Are you an obsession? I know the answer without thinking. Instinctively I know, but I owe it to myself and you to explore this question fully. This space, this blog I created for us. It is my space to share my gift with you, and by sharing this gift I am growing closer to my potential as a writer. Because of you that I started writing again. You inspired the strength and courage to write again, so every word I write is yours as much as it is mine. So I think this is the perfect place to deal with this question.
So are you an obsession? The definition is:
a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly :compelling motivation.
I don’t fit the definition above. There is reason to my obsession with you. Do you at times possess my mind and heart? Yes. Are you one of my compelling motivations to reach higher and farther in this world? Yes. You are an obsession because I love having you in my mind. You are an obsession because I am more than the sum of my parts with you in my heart. Last night I couldn’t even write because I felt as if all my words came from a damaged part of me. I felt as if I was some deranged stalker. I could write about anything in the world, but I’m compelled by gravity to write you. I need to write what I feel and right now I feel you. You know I’m not crazy, but yes I am obsessed with you. I’m obsessed with you the way the oceans are obsessed with the tides, the way clouds are obsessed with the winds. I know you are trying to make things work with Jose. Whether things work out with him or not it doesn’t matter. I know this is something that you have to let play out. Even if I could I would not try to stop it. I just want you to understand you are a natural obsession and you do not enable anything but love in my life. I can’t go on doubting or denying this obsession. You are my obsession, and it feels good to admit. You were right when you said this was a year of transformation for me. This obsession was the catalyst for this change. Loving you has gives me so much back. I try not to look to far down the road right now. I take each day for what it is. My goal is to make the most of each day. I am not going to change. You know you can’t change the way my heart works. It is what it is. It wants what it wants. Maybe one day the stars will align with what my hearts desires. Until then stop thinking you enable me in anyway. The only thing you ever did to enable this obsession of mine was being born. Now I need to get up for an early work out. I love you Jadie, truly and deeply I do. You are and always will be my favorite obsession.
Obsessively your,
J
Tonight I can’t stop thinking of you. I tried writing, but my imagination keeps falling back to thoughts of you. Please don’t dwell on anything I am about say, just let me indulge this selfish pleasure of mine. Let me love you without guilt for a few minutes. You are not to blame in any way, this wound is self inflicted. My love for you is not fueled by false hope. Despite all the reason in the world my heart refuses to break. Time does nothing to fade my conviction. Even if I never hear your voice again, if I never see those eyes again you would still continue to haunt my dreams. Tnis sounds dramatic, but you have to know that this desire, this hunger to love you does not fade. It’s part of who I am. How do I know this? I’m not really sure, but I just know I do. You tell me you aren’t who I see you to be, but I see you perfectly. In you exist these dualities that make you so unique, so rare and so extremely beautiful. You heart is so strong, but at the same time it can be so timid and scared. You can be so brave and in the same turn so insecure. Inside and out you are completely beautiful and yet so humble. You’ve been hurt so much but your heart keeps on loving. According to the laws of the universse you should not exist, but you do. All of this contradiction blends into the most amazing and complete woman I have ever loved. Don’t you dare think that I love you just because you are different. Most men may only get that far, but I need more. I love you because you redine love for me, and somehow by just existing you heal my world and make it whole. My heart never completely worked until I met you. It’s truly undefinable. Just knowing you makes me a better man. You give me strength, love, understanding, vision, but most importantly you have taught me patience. Loving you requires patience, I say this not because you frustrate me at time, but because the art of loving you requires patience. You have a lifetime of secrets to share, and it requires a lifetime of love to be worthy of these secrets. Once inside you its hard to not to want everything, but I know taking to much, to quickly is not fair to you. Do I feel lucky to love you? Yes I do. Do I want more? I will always want more, but tonight I am feeling extremely grateful for having such a rare beautiful object for my affection.
Gratefully yours,
J
Riding high through the city lights. Coasting on the highs of other, breathing in the lows and highs. Bass beating, treble screaming touching the hard to reach part of the soul. Smiles and Crys paint the landscape with nameless colors of forget dreams and lost hope. Clouds scream though the dreamless nights leaving us to light our own fires. Smoke rises into the beating night giving us new dreams for tomorrow. I drive and drive, following endless lines looking for the echos of her beauty, hoping she sees the beautiful light of my soul burning.
Jadie,
Loving you is not as hard as you think. Your mind is not average and that heart is complexity I find hard to describe, so I can see how someone can describe loving you as challenging. I can only describe this in the terms of my love for you, and I have to believe these words are true. There is a certain trust and certainty I find in that heart. I don’t fully understand why I have an overwhelming need to love you. I don’t even know why it gives me so much joy, but I know I need to, I always have. I’ve had a chance to experience the world without you and it’s cold, flat, and it’s lonely. Do you know why its easy for me to love you? Because I let go of everything and follow my heart to your center. It’s an instinct that can be clouded by thought. You transform the world for me, you fill it with so much beauty its almost to much for my heart to handle. You say I over think but the truth is I don’t. The truth is I can love you so deeply and perfectly because we aren’t identical. We are two sides of the same coin, and thats how I find balance. This unconditional love or compassion some would call it is reserved for special stars in my sky. If I had to decide which is more important to my survival, breathing or loving you, I really couldn’t answer. If I stopped either I really couldn’t say I’d be alive. I have a passion, a fire that drives me beyond simple thoughts, and thats how I survive inside your heart. So I don’t think too much, yes I feel a lot of things deeply, but I’ve learned control my thoughts. I’ve learned without control I’d lose myself and you. How do you think I’m able to be there for you in different ways? If I didn’t learn to control my thoughts I would go mad. I focus on the most important part of my universe, your eyes, those beautiful eyes are an ocean of love and provide me all the truth I need. I know you say I’m special and no one will love you the way I do, but you need balance, you need that other person to be the negative to your positive charge. Without it life is a roller coaster, and not in a good way. You deserve to be loved, but you shouldn’t have to sacrafice all that makes you special. These complexities are the source of your beauty, they make you special, and they should not be sacraficed. I would really hate to see you sacrafice all that beautiful, that would break my heart. I said all of this yesterday, but I wanted to give you a more thoughful response.
Love,
Joseph
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