I really missed you the past few weeks. Even though I may have seen you, I felt invisible distance growing between us. It was definitely winter in my mind, cold and dark were the days without the better half of my soul. Trust me, it’s not like I don’t love the things inside me, all the other parts of my life, but you bring something rare and irreplaceable. Just a day with you brings me back to my center. Your hugs, your smile, your words are pure magic. My core, my deepest thoughts, the beat of my heart have their own existence without of you. I know I need to understand and remember this because this keeps me strong, but there is another side you can never deny. You will never deny the colors you bring to my world. You will never deny the brightness of my eyes when I see you. You will never be able to deny rhythm you give to my heart. You said my words give love dimension, but my best words only come when you are in my mind. You are my muse, my best friend, my greatest inspiration, and the truest love. For this I selfishly need you. For this I will always selflessly love you. Thank you for being my center. Thank you for the understanding and balance. Time and time again, thank you. This may sound like a repeat, like a broken record, but I never get tired of loving you. The more I love you the more I understand my own secrets. I promise you will hear this countless more times in many different ways before I die. I will always be thankful for the day we met. I never look at a new morning sky and forget to love you. You will always be the source from which I define beauty and love. You align my stars, kill my demons, and you do it all with ease. Just a look from those eyes is all it takes for me to realize who I am. Thank you….please don’t define just accept. Now I need to get back to work on our escape plan.

Love,
J

It’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep. One thought is running through my mind. Are you an obsession? I know the answer without thinking. Instinctively I know, but I owe it to myself and you to explore this question fully. This space, this blog I created for us. It is my space to share my gift with you, and by sharing this gift I am growing closer to my potential as a writer. Because of you that I started writing again. You inspired the strength and courage to write again, so every word I write is yours as much as it is mine. So I think this is the perfect place to deal with this question.

So are you an obsession? The definition is:

a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly :compelling motivation.

I don’t fit the definition above. There is reason to my obsession with you. Do you at times possess my mind and heart? Yes. Are you one of my compelling motivations to reach higher and farther in this world? Yes. You are an obsession because I love having you in my mind. You are an obsession because I am more than the sum of my parts with you in my heart. Last night I couldn’t even write because I felt as if all my words came from a damaged part of me. I felt as if I was some deranged stalker. I could write about anything in the world, but I’m compelled by gravity to write you. I need to write what I feel and right now I feel you. You know I’m not crazy, but yes I am obsessed with you. I’m obsessed with you the way the oceans are obsessed with the tides, the way clouds are obsessed with the winds. I know you are trying to make things work with Jose. Whether things work out with him or not it doesn’t matter. I know this is something that you have to let play out. Even if I could I would not try to stop it. I just want you to understand you are a natural obsession and you do not enable anything but love in my life. I can’t go on doubting or denying this obsession. You are my obsession, and it feels good to admit. You were right when you said this was a year of transformation for me. This obsession was the catalyst for this change. Loving you has gives me so much back. I try not to look to far down the road right now. I take each day for what it is. My goal is to make the most of each day. I am not going to change. You know you can’t change the way my heart works. It is what it is. It wants what it wants. Maybe one day the stars will align with what my hearts desires. Until then stop thinking you enable me in anyway. The only thing you ever did to enable this obsession of mine was being born. Now I need to get up for an early work out. I love you Jadie, truly and deeply I do. You are and always will be my favorite obsession.

Obsessively your,

J

Jadie,

Loving you is not as hard as you think. Your mind is not average and that heart is complexity I find hard to describe, so I can see how someone can describe loving you as challenging. I can only describe this in the terms of my love for you, and I have to believe these words are true. There is a certain trust and certainty I find in that heart. I don’t fully understand why I have an overwhelming need to love you. I don’t even know why it gives me so much joy, but I know I need to, I always have. I’ve had a chance to experience the world without you and it’s cold, flat, and it’s lonely. Do you know why its easy for me to love you? Because I let go of everything and follow my heart to your center. It’s an instinct that can be clouded by thought. You transform the world for me, you fill it with so much beauty its almost to much for my heart to handle. You say I over think but the truth is I don’t. The truth is I can love you so deeply and perfectly because we aren’t identical. We are two sides of the same coin, and thats how I find balance. This unconditional love or compassion some would call it is reserved for special stars in my sky. If I had to decide which is more important to my survival, breathing or loving you, I really couldn’t answer. If I stopped either I really couldn’t say I’d be alive. I have a passion, a fire that drives me beyond simple thoughts, and thats how I survive inside your heart. So I don’t think too much, yes I feel a lot of things deeply, but I’ve learned control my thoughts. I’ve learned without control I’d lose myself and you. How do you think I’m able to be there for you in different ways? If I didn’t learn to control my thoughts I would go mad. I focus on the most important part of my universe, your eyes, those beautiful eyes are an ocean of love and provide me all the truth I need. I know you say I’m special and no one will love you the way I do, but you need balance, you need that other person to be the negative to your positive charge. Without it life is a roller coaster, and not in a good way. You deserve to be loved, but you shouldn’t have to sacrafice all that makes you special. These complexities are the source of your beauty, they make you special, and they should not be sacraficed. I would really hate to see you sacrafice all that beautiful, that would break my heart. I said all of this yesterday, but I wanted to give you a more thoughful response.

Love,

Joseph

Jadie,

I know I am always writing you, through text messages, through instant messages, etc… I know you probably understand more than most, but sometimes the meaning of my thoughts get lost in the noise. This noise, which you have come to know as the complication of us, although profound, can be exhausting at best. I know I can be exhausting, and maybe I am being too generous in my description, but I need to know you know that you are special and beautiful beyond description. This is one truth I need you to know. If I have to spend my life composing it a million different ways I will, thankfully I never get tired of telling you this. You tell me I see more than what you are, as if I take this image of you and add this imaginary narrative to create this person that doesn’t exist. Maybe I see more than the current moment, I see your past, I see your future and I see perfect heart you keep hidden from the world. If I’m wrong, if I am dreaming, I hope I never wake up, but I know I am not dreaming. There are only a few truths I know and you are one. No one, not even you will be able steal that from me. I know your heart doesn’t belong to me, maybe it never will, but it doesn’t matter. You inspire greatness in me, and loving you has taught me to be fearless. I know you can’t understand why, and to be honest I don’t understand why. All I know is that you give me reason to burn bright, so thank you. Thank you for your love. I’m sorry if you have heard this all before, tonight I am just missing you and feeling a little guilty because I know I will not be around for as long as you want me to be. I know you are strong and can live a life without me, and maybe I am thinking to much of myself, but when I woke up from my dream last night you were the first thing that came to mind. Ok I really need to sleep its getting harder and harder to complete thoughts. I just want you to know I love more than ever and even though I miss you there is a part of me that is happy to you know you finally found someone that makes you happy.

Love,

J

I’ve been thinking for hours about your last words. I know I do poor job of controling my words and being just a friend. It’s really hard for me to hold back, you make me feel so many things. I have never asked for more than what you are willing to give, I’ve never tried to fight what you tell me, and I always loved you in an unconditional way. Maybe I am thinking too much about this, but the words that hurt the most, the words that are going to haunt me for a while are “even though you are my best friend you don’t know how to be my friend.” Those words just burned through me. It hurt because I know in someways it was true and in some ways it’s not. It hurt because I put nothing in front of you, and I know you will say that my world shouldn’t resolve around you. Unfortunately you will always be the bright star in my sky. Your love will always feel like home. I only have one set of eyes and I only know one way to look at you. There have been days I try to control it, and it just feels unnatural, it doesn’t feel right. Why can’t you just let me be me, why can’t just let me love you the only way I know. Because of this I feel you have never truly had a chance to know me, or see who I really am. It’s exhausting being who you tell me you want me to be, and not who I know I need to be. Life is simplier and makes more sense when I can just be me. Please stop trying to understand, or define. I don’t know how or why, but I know everything will work out and be as it should if you just stop trying to define me. You don’t need to respond, I prefer you take sometime to try to prcess what I am saying. Do this for me I promise to be the friend you need.

Love,

J

Today I am thankful for some many things. For my amazing parents, my loving family, my amazing friends, and all the great memories this life given me. I know I am truly lucky. I have a very long list of things to be thankful for, but at the very top of this long list will always be this beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, inspiring, brave, tenacious, and gentle creature named Jadie. Today I want to tell you thank you for so many reasons. Thank you for saving me from myself. Thank you for helping me get up when I did not deserve it. Thank you for reminding me that this world is overflowing with beauty. Thank you for giving me reasons to look at the stars. Thank you for giving me the passion to chase my dreams. Thank you for giving me the strength to make those dreams come true, but most of all thank you for your love. Your love is the warm blanket that keeps safe on those cold night. You love is the wind that makes my thoughts fly. You are my favorite sound, you are my favorite word, and you are even my favorite smell (and no thats not creepy). I know and you know I am not perfect and I know better than to promise you perfection, but I can promise you that I will be always be here giving everything my heart has to love you and suppport you through it all till the end (and maybe beyond that). I promise you to never stop dreaming and working hard to be the man we both know I should be. I promise to give you strenght when you feel weak, and to make you laugh when you forget to smile. I promise to prove to you that you are not a fool for loving me. I promise you that you will always be thankful for the day we met. I could go on a thousand pages so let me try to summaries my sentiments in the shortest, sweetest way I can think of…Thank you for being the missing pieces of my heart.

Love,

J